Helping Our Athletes Navigate the Emotional Landscape of the Recruiting Process

Summer is here and so is recruiting. As we continue to make our way into the summer of 2023 there will be a plethora of opportunities for your athlete to play, compete and be seen by college coaches. 

As a former DI athlete (soccer, UVA) and former DI coach (UPenn) I know firsthand the emotional roller coaster that the recruiting process can be. As a current Mental Health Therapist and Mindfulness and Performance coach I hear the amount of stress, pressure and angst that comes with this journey. Although some players glide through the process with ease and land at a school of their choosing, most don’t. I want to start by normalizing that for the MAJORITY of young athletes that want to play in college, the recruiting process can have a lot of ups and downs. It can be a lengthy process that is full of uncertainty, which is something that we as humans are biologically wired to hate. 

We do not like uncertainty and we certainly don’t like to wait. In a recent parent panel at the Best in Class Event, one panelist used the analogy that the recruiting process is kind of like dating. It can be back and forth between player and coach and at times you feel loved and wanted and everything is great. Two days later you have no idea where you stand with a program and feel discarded and alone. The ups and downs can be incredibly hard both mentally and emotionally. 

My aim with this Blog is to give you some general tips and things to think about as a parent in order to help your child. Regardless of where your child ends up playing in college the ability to navigate emotions more efficiently could be one of the greatest gifts you give them. The recruiting process can be a great place to practice their emotion regulation skills.  Navigating emotions is like any tactical or technical element of the game. Chances are your child didn’t just pick up a lacrosse stick yesterday and get to the recruiting process! They have put countless hours, training, lifting, and stick work into their game. Working with our emotions is the same way. We have to learn about and practice navigating out emotion. 

The reality is we could spend months speaking about this topic and as a therapist I think it's important to acknowledge that emotions are incredibly individual and complex. Rarely can we solve someone else’s emotional experience and rarely is there a  “timeline” or quick fix for helping our athletes navigate. What follows are 4 pieces of advice and things to consider as we walk alongside our athletes in the recruiting process. 

1. Normalizing emotions 
2. Validating emotions  
3. Prioritize listening 
4. Seek external help 

ONe: Normalizing Emotions

One thing I emphasize in the work I do with all athletes is that the mind and body are not separate. In sport we have often thought of and even trained the physical (and technical and tactical) aspect of our sport separate from the “mental” game.  The two don’t operate separately. This is extremely important when understanding and NAVIGATING emotions! 

We have a mind-body SYSTEM where our mind and body are constantly talking to each other and working off one another. Although we don’t have a sole definition for what an emotion actually is, we know emotions are NOT just living in our minds! An emotion, at a foundational level occurs when we take in or perceive feedback either from the outside world or within ourselves (like a memory or thought) and then we have an automatic physiological reaction (i.e within the BODY). We then act or have a response like a facial expression, thoughts or sensations.

Emotions are a part of being human! We all have them and they are complex, multifaceted and experienced by every individual differently!  How your child experiences sadness or anxiety may not be how their teammate does. The other hard part is that we as individuals experience emotions differently based on context! How your child experiences sadness or anxiety around lacrosse may be different than how they experience sadness or anxiety if they get broken up with by a significant other!  

As humans we have a wide range of emotional experiences and capacity. If you think about it, how cool is that! On the other hand this can be really overwhelming for a teenager. Helping our young athletes understand this and allowing them to get more familiar with their emotions is critical. 

Part of normalizing emotion requires us to recognize and acknowledge that we live in a society where emotions and FEELING our emotions is not emphasized. Our society loves reasoning, logic and intelligence. Sport culture, for a LONG TIME, has reinforced that emotions aren’t “good”. 

“Don’t let your emotions control you” 

“Don’t show any emotion” 

“Don’t let your feelings get in the way” 

“Control your emotions” 

“Keep your emotions in check” 

Although we don’t want our emotions to “rule” our lives and control our thinking and behavior, these messages can actually be quite detrimental. For many athletes (and coaches) these messages have translated to having zero emotion or stuffing and ignoring emotions. That's not healthy or beneficial for any human and can actually exacerbate and lengthen the impact of an emotion. 

Emotions are INFORMATION. We don't have good emotions or bad emotions. We can have more positive or negative emotions but they are not good or bad. We simply have emotions and they are data that allow us to navigate the world and show up as the people and athletes we want to be. Emotions are VITAL to how we make decisions and interact with people. We cannot ignore, stuff, or get rid of them. 

As a parent one of the BEST things you can do for your child during this time is to help them understand this. Whatever emotion they are experiencing is important information! Language can be SO incredibly powerful in helping us reframe our relationship with our emotions. This simple reframe can be a monumental piece of how your athlete then starts to manage and navigate their emotional journey within the recruiting process! 

Two: Validate Emotions

If you type in validation to Google you will get something along the lines of “checking or proving the validity of something or recognition or affirmation of opinions or feelings.” When we are validating emotions we are declaring that they are not wrong or inaccurate. 

All Emotions are valid. Period. 

We do not have to agree with, understand, or like someone else’s emotions in order to validate. The first and most CRITICAL piece of emotion regulation is validation. 

How we RESPOND or ACT based on our emotions is different. We cannot move through an emotion if we don’t recognize it as accurate, real and true for us. Unfortunately, we as humans spend way too much time invalidating our own emotions or having our emotions invalidated by others. 

You will not be able to fully understand what your child is going through. Even if you as a parent were a college athlete and went through the recruiting process, your experience is NOT your child's. Their emotions are not yours. If we invalidate our child’s experience, we then send a message that our child is wrong or deficient in ADDITION to what they are actually feeling. We compound their emotional experience which can add shame, guilt and more pressure.  Start by simply validating your child's emotions. Whatever they are going through, whether it's anger, sadness, fear, or joy! It's all valid. 

Ways we can do that for our athletes: 

“How you are feeling is valid” 

“Its OK to feel how you do” 

“I know this must be hard” 

“I’m sure that how you are feeling is difficult” 

“I don’t understand right now but I want to try” 

“I can’t fully understand but I know this where you are at” 

“I want you to know that it’s OK to have all these feelings” 

“This makes a lot of sense that you are feeling this way” 

Validate and normalize the complexity of this experience! This, by itself, can go a long way in helping your child begin to unpack the emotional ride of the recruiting process!

Three: Prioritize Listening

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” 

-Epictetus, Greek Philosopher 

Another thing we can do as parents is check in with our ability to listen.

It can be extremely helpful to talk through things as we process emotions so being someone that your child can come to during this time will be important! But the world we live in is busy, fast and as families we have A LOT going on which can make conversation, communication and listening difficult at times. 

The ability to listen and listen well in ANY interaction is absolutely critical for communication. Listening, at a foundational level,  starts with the US as individuals.  We have to  prepare ourselves to be fully present in the moment so that we can truly hear what another person is saying.  As a parent, this can require intentionality, energy and your OWN emotional regulation! So before we step into any conversation or interaction with our athletes about the recruiting process I think its really important for parents to check in with themselves and where THEY are mentally and emotionally! This is something that, more often than not, when we do will set us up for success when conversations are difficult and full of emotion. 

I can’t tell you HOW many conversations throughout my recruiting process ended in tears when I was a high schooler! This is a lot to manage and very emotionally charged for both child and parent. The more we check in PRIOR to conversations the better. 

We then need to make sure that our first objective within these conversations is listening. I love the Epictetus quote because it highlights the importance of just listening. Especially when it comes to emotions, sometimes the MOST profound thing we can do for another person is simply sit next to them and hear them. Rarely can we fully solve another person's emotional experience. More often than not, we can listen to them. 

I do want to acknowledge that listening requires our athletes to talk! Sometimes this is limited. I remember being 15 and 16 and at times not wanting to speak to my parents. This is a 2 way street, which is why I’m so passionate about the work I do with athletes because I think it sets them up to get BETTER and more efficient at speaking and clarifying their thoughts and emotions. If your child doesn’t give you much, that's OK.  Will they engage in conversation with you that’s NOT about lacrosse or recruiting? Sometimes when we open one door or line of communication, in time, it allows for others to open as well. Is there someone in their life that they WILL speak with? (see below). 

The main message here is that we can’t always make people, especially teenagers talk or communicate. As parents are there ways that YOU can communicate, both verbally and nonverbally to your child that when they are ready to talk you will be ready? How can you as a parent meet them where they are and continue to validate them, listen and sit next to them with whatever comes their way? 

Four: Seek External help

Lastly, it’s OK to seek external help. I grew up speaking and talking to mentors, older players that I met through camps and clinics or coaches that I trusted. Engaging your athlete in a conversation about people they CAN talk to and feel safe talking to can be a great option. It can also be really helpful to get advice or words of wisdom from people who have already been through this entire process.

Something that can be helpful is working with your child to create a list of 2-5 mentors they feel comfortable seeking advice from.

Mentors can include: 

-Coaches or individual training coaches 

-Mental performance or Mindset coaches 

-Strength and conditioning or speed and agility coaches 

-Physical therapists or movement specialists 

-Older players that have gone through the recruiting process 

Although the recruiting process is ultimately your child's own journey, it can be extremely helpful for them to have mentors they can process with and seek guidance from. 

It's also totally OK to recognize that your child may also need additional or clinical help navigating this process. As a Mental Health Therapist I will always advocate for therapy which can be an excellent space for your child to process and navigate emotion. We are living in a world where mental health challenges for youth are at an all time high and it is OK to seek external help if this is what your child may need.

Remember this is a process for you

As much as I have talked about helping your child up to this point, I want you to remember yourselves as people too. The recruiting process is an emotional journey for you as parents and caregivers. Everything that I have touched on to this point can apply for you or other members of your family! 

As parents, normalize having a range of emotions as your child goes through all of this. 

As parents, validate your own emotions. 

As parents, listen to yourself, your emotions or your spouse if you have one 

As parents its OK to seek help 

The recruiting process is not just a journey for your child. It's a journey that affects and impacts the whole family and family dynamic. I hope that this article has given you some things to think about and implement so that you can help and support your child. 

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Emily Perrin, LMSW is a Mental Health Therapist and Mindfulness and Performance Coach.  located in Baltimore Maryland.  She has worked with collegiate and professional athletes around the country including members of the PLL, US lacrosse and more. For more Mindfulness, Meditation, Breath Work and Yoga for athletes check out Emily Perrin, LMSW on Instagram, Twitter or Youtube.